I can’t believe it’s been almost 6 years since my best friend and brother died tragically in a motorcycle accident. After it happened I really struggled with depression and grief as I tried to find a new way of living without his powerful influence in my life.
Sometimes I see some of the things that I had written during that time and I want to reach back and hug that person that I was and tell her that it was okay to grieve for as long as she needed. There was a lot of pressure to “Move On” and to get back to who I was before he died.
I look back at that person that I was for a while and I cringe. I was so angry at times and so dark and sad in others. That year was the first time that I had to seek help for the blanket of sadness that had settled over me. I’m glad that I did. Asking for help isn’t a weakness, but I had a hard time seeing that.
Alone in a crowded life
Sadly I felt that I was dealing with his death on my own. I had a really hard time seeing the people around me who were still there when I ached for the one who wasn’t.
The truth was that I was surrounded by people, but I couldn’t see anyone through the dark shadow that hung over me. I needed help.
This song got me through a lot of hard times that year.
“I listened to this amazing song this morning on my walk this morning. I just needed to clear my head and find a trace of what my new normal might feel like. Wynter and I just walked and let the early morning settle over my tear swollen eyes.
The fearful believe that 2012 was going to be the end of the world, part of me wants it to be true so I never have to suffer this loss again. Yet I know that likely life will go on and I am starting to believe it is simply the end of the life we knew. My life will be forever different and better for having the time I had with Lance. He was my dearest and oldest friend.
So.. here’s the song that seemed to be heaven-sent to me this morning as I start my journey.”
Lyme Disease and Depression
That year was really rough both mentally and physically. I learned the hard way that Lyme and grief are an ugly combination. I struggled with depression and anxiety. At times, I didn’t want to keep living in pain and sadness. Many times, I wondered if I was just making my family miserable by just living. Now I know it was just my depression talking.
Thankfully I pulled out of it and got help managing my grief and emotions. We moved across country and started fresh in a new place, and that actually did help. It was a long couple of years trying to find my place in a world where best friends can just die without warning.
Wynter takes the lead
That year I found myself leaning heavily on my dog for both emotional support and assistance with my Lyme Disease issues. Wynter and I began to go through training together to have her work as my service dog.
To this day, she and I are incredibly close. I found myself learning to trust and laugh again, thanks to my amazing link with her. I love looking back and seeing how far we have come.