I’ve been taking a blog break. It was all about me; I needed to slow down and put some things in perspective. I struggle with writing when my head is clouded with emotions. As a writer, most of what I put into my blog is somehow connected to who I am personally. From food cravings to holidays, I write about what I know. And what I knew was that I needed a break.
This year has been a tough one. I was faced with lessons that I thought I’d mastered, but when tested, I failed over and over. I've cried ugly tears and spent too much time thinking tornmented thoughts.
I’m tired. This year just made me feel like I kept tripping over obstacles one at a time.
I started off this year with so much hope and excitement. I was ready for a fresh start and hopeful about the future of not only my blog but my side business ( my embroidery shop), and now I sit here looking at the last few weeks of my blog and the closure of my shop after 5 years, and I’m frustrated.
Treat each other with kindness, asshole!
One of the biggest lessons I faced this year was about how people choose to treat each other.
No, I am no saint. I don’t beat around the bush, and I don’t do well with small talk. I like to get right to the point. Sometimes things just are black and white to me, when maybe they could have been other shades. Maybe I am just tired of shallow conversations and tip toeing around real conversations. Maybe I am just surrounded by people afraid to be real and aching for depth.
But without question, I will do everything I can to be a good friend. This year I learned what it felt like to have someone you trusted twist your words around and make fun of your weaknesses. Even when I refused to fight back the waves just kept coming. I learned not to trust a friendly face, wolves hide in pretty faces and fake laughter.
I forgive you for being a bitch. But go away!
I also learned that not everyone is supposed to be in your life for a lifetime, sometimes they are just there to lead you to the next step.
I met someone I thought was going to be a good friend, someone I could relax around and be myself. However what I couldn’t see was that everything I thought was just fake and when it came down to actually being a real friend, this person couldn’t handle it. And I was left standing there doubting everything I once knew about friendships.
Hey, remember me?
Here’s the thing though, as much as this year taught me about the lifetime of friends. It also renewed old friendships and healed over some rough edges. I needed to take a blogging break when I realized that everything I wanted to write about was about pain and depression.
Depression and Anxiety, the two friends you wish would hook up and move far far away.
Like many people, I struggle with anxiety and depression. It’s something that has run in my family for generations. I lost an uncle to suicide after years of fighting his depression and multiple suicide attempts from other family members through the years. So when I saw that I was grieving and deeply sad, I needed to switch lanes and do something different.
Things had to change, and I needed a break.
I took a new job, something different than I’d ever done before. I accepted a role as a social media manager/ communications director. It’s hard, it’s frustrating. And I love it.
But it also gave me something different to call my own, and I’m learning how to accept it.
For so many years I struggled with an identity label.
From teacher, housewife, Nanny, Embroidery Artist, Writer, Blogger, to “retired.” I have struggled with my introduction. Hi, I’m Crysta, and I am a… was always difficult. But Social Media Director actually works for me, and I enjoy the job.
So the new job has kept me busy. Taking some time to slow down and try to wrap my thoughts up in a pretty bow has been good.
To be honest, I’m still struggling a little. The holidays are always hard for me. From thinking about the people that I’ve lost this time of year and miss so much to the holiday rush. I always fight to stay above water.
What I’m doing to fight depression
Here in Seattle, the days are shorter, the darkness lasts longer, and the cold and rain has settled in for the winter. The dark season is here. It's cold and dreary, fighting sad thoughts is hard. More B12 is needed and I've upped my Vit. D too. It's a constant effort, but well worth it.
I’ve pulled out my daylight lights, helpful for those of you like myself who suffer from Seasonal Affective Disorder. I’m making more coffeetime chats out of the house with friends for quick catch-ups. And I’ve made a new playlist of music that gets me up and moving.
There’s no secret to fighting depression or shitty days; you just have to commit to keep fighting through it.
Sometimes you just need to take a break and try something new.
So I’m back to writing. I have some new ideas for 2018, and I’ll keep on exploring and bringing you my adventures of traveling with Lyme disease.