freewriting

Rainy Winter Solstice

 

The Winter Solstice is here. The Long Night is upon us. This year it came with rain and time to reflect upon the recent changes.

When it rains, I look out through my windows as the world around me seems to change just a bit. My mind drifts to how things have changed this year and to some of the solstices of the past.

The air’s subtle change scents the Earth. Mixed with the humid aroma rain and the jubilation of the grass and trees at the refreshing taste of water to their roots. There is a different feel to rainy days. Picnics often must be put off til the sun returns. Lazy naps are more enjoyed on days when everything seems just a bit slower.

I used to wish away the night

I didn’t want to accept the darkness. There was a coldness that I felt deep in my bones, the chill made me ache for better days. The rain reminded me of the past when no hand was ever there to reach out and shelter me with a welcomed umbrella. Keeping secrets of abuse, I grew up in silence.

THERE IS OFTEN SADNESS IN OLD MEMORIES.

For years, I didn’t see that I had pulled away from the world and had secluded myself in the cocoon of my own making. I was damaged goods for such a long time.
I didn’t trust anyone.

Liars spat their venom at me any chance they could. They laughed as they relished the corrosion of my self-esteem until there was nothing left. Blackmailed by guilt to remain motionless, I settled for life without meaning.

I rotted away the golden years of my youth thinking I deserved this fate. Lied to by people claiming to “Love Me,” I believed I was unwanted and should settle for compromises. My birth mother was delusional puppet master who enjoyed my misery. She couldn't leave me to my adoptive family, but came in and out of my life afraid of being forgotten.

Days turned to weeks, fell into months and eventually years before the stirrings of my heart began to scratch at the walls of my penitentiary existence. It searched for proof that there was more to life than just behaving for the sake of not causing drama. I began to question why I had not done more with my life.

WHY I HADN’T SPOKEN UP ABOUT MY DESIRE FOR MORE INDEPENDENCE?

The first rays of sunshine were stolen moments with new friends who fed my hunger for new life and change. I discovered people who loved superheroes and dancing for no reason, people who taught me how to laugh out loud.

When I was lying stagnate, I hadn’t understood that I needed to cast away the scars of my teenage years, to become a woman with a new state of mind. My new friends came gently and whispered the truth about the world beyond abuse and asked if I was brave enough to break free?

I started with little steps, took little chances to accept that not everyone was out to hurt me. I became intoxicated with the possibilities of not letting my past and fears continue to dictate my life.

ACCEPTANCE

When I began to accept change, I no longer feared to let go. I walked away from the shell of my pitiful existence. I stopped talking to my abuser, even though it almost broke me to leave my family as well.

For a while, I moved to Seattle where it rains more, and I had more time to dance in the rain. It was good to take a break while I healed.

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To be truthful, I made only a few solid connections in Seattle. The rain often came both literally and emotionally. I met nice people and some terrible ones, always a balance. In Seattle, I lost people I loved and struggled with the lack of light.

Seattle wasn't the best place for me. Living in an area where people are so absorbed in their own selfishness, I realized how far I've come in my emotional healing.

Raindrops of remembrance

I stretch out now, comfortable with my new life and enjoy the memories of where I came from.

Tonight, I rejoice in the darkness that only serves currently to remind me that there can be no stars without the darkness. There can be no flight without those first steps towards freedom.

I see things differently, I have no time for bullshit or liars.When you have a lifetime of trying to survive, you don't have time left to swim with sharks.

This Winter solstice, I'm back to fireflies and moonlight dance parties. I'll start a new garden in the spring, enjoy the long nights and appreciate that I've never been happier.

Good Solstice my friends!

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