When it rains, I look out through my windows as the world around me seems to change just a bit. The dark clouds hang shadows over the normally sun filled patch of my garden.
The air’s subtle change scents the Earth. Mixed with the humid aroma rain and the jubilation of the grass and trees at the refreshing taste of water to their roots. There is a different feel to rainy days. Picnics often must be put off til the sun returns. Lazy naps are more enjoyed on days when everything seems just a bit slower.
I used to wish away the rainy days. I didn’t want to accept the darkness. There was a coldness that I felt deep in my bones, the chill of raindrops made me ache for better days. I never hated being alone, I feared the thoughts that came with it. The rain reminded me of the past when no hand was ever there to reach out and shelter me with a welcomed umbrella. I grew up in silence, kept secrets of beatings and worse. There was a sadness in old memories.
My emotions wounded by the trials of the past. For years, I didn’t see that I had pulled away from the world and had secluded myself in the cocoon of my own making. I was damaged goods for such a long time.
I didn’t trust anyone. Liars spat their venom at me any chance they could. They laughed as they relished the corrosion of my self-esteem until there was nothing left. Blackmailed by guilt to remain motionless, I settled for a life without meaning and desire and rotted away the golden years of my youth thinking I deserved this fate. Lied to by love, I believed the fiction that I was unwanted and should settle for compromises made in the best interest of a delusional puppet master.
Days turned to weeks, fell into months and eventually years before the stirrings of my heart began to scratch at the walls of my penitentiary existence. It searched for proof that there was more to life than just behaving for the sake of not causing drama. I began to question why I had not done more with my life. Like, why I hadn’t spoken up about my desire for more independence? I grew stronger.
The first rays of sunshine were stolen moments with new friends who fed my hunger for new life and change. Lying stagnate, I hadn’t understood that I needed to cast away the scars of my teenage years. Destined to be reborn to some new state of mind. My hope came gently and whispered the truth about the world beyond. Would I be brave enough to tear free and accept that I was worthy of being loved? Could I actually be smart enough to exist away from the shelters of masterful lies? Little steps, chances took to accept that not everyone was out to hurt me. I became intoxicated with the possibilities of not letting my past and fears continue to dictate my life.
When I began to accept change, I no longer feared letting go. I could break free from the shell of my pitiful existence. Become who I was always meant to be. And then I moved to Seattle where it rains more and I have more time to dance in the rain.
I stretch out now, comfortable with my new life and enjoy the raindrops of remembrance of where I came from. Today, I rejoice in the darkness that only serves now to remind me that there can be no stars without such change. I will be alright. There can be no flight without those first steps towards freedom.
To be truthful, I made only a few solid connections in Seattle. The rain came often both literally and emotionally. I met wonderful people and some terrible ones as well. I lost people I loved and struggled with the lack of light.
I fight anxiety due to years of physical and emotional trauma brought on by a family member and her brutal need for attention. Living in a place where people are so absorbed in their own selfishness, I realized how far I’ve come in my emotional healing. I see things differently, I have no time for bullshit or liars. I spent my whole life trying to get away from liars, I don’t have time left to swim with sharks who called them selves “neighbors” and fake friends.
So I’m moving on. I’m heading back to fireflies and moonlight dance parties. The rain washed away the memories and I am seeing life with clear eyes. And I’ve never been happier.