So long guilt!

I had a very complicated relationship with family growing up. Guilt was a weapon used for everything from eating your peas to hugging people who made me feel uncomfortable.

I worked hard.  Made good choices. And did everything I could to better myself and it paid off. But guilt was still there. It is one of those weapons that lingers over and over in the back of your mind.150650_411032448975699_639079066_n I felt guilty and unworthy of the life I had been living.

I felt like I shouldn’t spend money on myself or my family because of the shame I felt because others weren’t doing as well.

Every time I bought a new sweater, went on vacation, or any other time that normally you should be excited and happy to share with friends and family. In my head I could hear the nasty comments “Oh yeah, she can buy a new TV but she can’t be bothered with helping out the homeless!”
Even when I was doing something for others I would feel the chill of jealous eyes watching and judging me. “Sure she can do for everyone else, but when it comes to us we aren’t good enough!”

And it wasn’t just self talk. I actually had real humans think it was alright to troll me both online and in real life. It was ridiculous.  It took me a long time to let go of toxic people out of my life.

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After a while I just broke.  I wanted to scream “No more! I am sorry you haven’t done anything with your life and now you sit there with your begging hands out looking for attention and breadcrumbs. That isn’t my fault!  You want to be angry about YOUR past, go for it. I’m not responsible for your baggage.”

It took me a while before I could say out loud that I am done feeling guilty.  It’s hard, really hard to face the fact that some people want to see you miserable because they are so childish and awful. But even harder to accept that just because you once loved them, you have to let them go because you deserve to be happy.

I work hard, I give to charity and spend my time working with those charities to help them and my community. I talk to strangers and listen when they speak. I don’t treat other people poorly and in return they are kind back. There’s nothing wrong with that.

If you chose to walk down the wrong path even though everyone else tried to tell you not to go that way, that’s not my fault.  Good luck with that.

So good-bye Guilt, you no longer have a room in my house. And I don’t miss you!

Love, Crysta - Dancing With Fireflies

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6 comments

  1. I agree with your general premise, but I wondering whether you meant this the way it sounded:
    “No more! I am sorry you haven’t done anything with your life and now you sit there with your begging hands out looking for attention and breadcrumbs. That isn’t my fault”

    If you are talking about a specific person or situation that you are familiar with, then I would agree. If you are talking about the homeless and poor in general, then I don’t agree. Not all homeless people are lazy, especialy when you consider that many of them are mentally ill. I know this from my actual work with the mentally ill, I knew many that were unable to get jobs or keep them because of their illness.

    Despite this, I agree with everything else you say. You can’t save everybody and if you do your part with charities and such then I would consider you to be a good person. While rampant materialism is a valid critisism against some people, I don’t see that that applies to you. Plus whenever you buy a new TV or sweater you are contributing to the economy and to someone’s pay check! That is a good thing!

    • Recently I found an old friend online and was really enjoying the conversations until all of a sudden he began asking me for money.. A LOT of money. When I told him that I wasn’t interested he became very violent and verbally abusive. It was pretty sad actually that there seemed to be a light bulb that went off in his head that made him think that I was his new income source while instead of looking for work, he sleeps on couches, smokes A LOT of weed, and plots to take over the government with his Occupy movements

      So yes, I totally agree with you about there being different situations. But that particular piece was more targeted to those who don’t WANT to do more with their lives and blame everyone else for their downfalls.

  2. Thank you for your clarification. I have to say what a horrible thing to go through! Since you said this “friend” was violent I hope you have taken precautions to keep yourself safe.

    In my own life I have a family member who is taking financial advantage of my elderly father. He loses jobs because he won’t follow orders. Now he won’t even look for a job. However he is not lazy because he did start his own business. The problem is that my dad made it clear that he could not support his family while he is doing that. He lost his last job more than two years ago and my dad has been supporting his whole family because he won’t look for a job. His business has only brought in $4000 this past year, hardly enough to support his whole family.

    The situation isn’t as bad as you describe since he is not violent and doesn’t do drugs, but the same sense of entitlement is still there. He is nothing but a user, but ironically he accuses me of using him! He demands that i should pay for things that are not my responsibility to pay for and then claims that I never do anything for him! I am on disability and my first responsibility is to take care of myself, not him. Besides I gave him a car for free that was in excellent condition. I could have sold it. Yet he whines that I never do anything for him and that I don’t care about him. Not only that I have never done anything for anyone in my entire life, according to him! Quite frankly at this point he is right, I don’t care about him. Why should I when he has brought this on himself!

    Anyway I think you are absolutely right in cutting this leech out of your life. You are not responsible to take care of him at all. Be strong and don’t let anyone “guilt” you!

    • I think it’s a hard lesson that sadly a lot of us must learn. I have had to separate from family members and this “friend” after learning to accept that I am not a bad person or responsible for everyone else just because we save our money, work hard, and have been successful in life.

      I am so sorry you have had to go through this. But, you are a good person and don’t let anyone else try to take that away from you!

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