Happily Not Sad

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I didn’t think the day would ever come when my tears would dry and when I thought of him, I wouldn’t beg for one more day… one more laugh… one more “I love you.”

The rain hasn’t really stopped since September here in Seattle. 3 days of sunlight, more snow than anyone can remember, and the saddest skies in  years.  But I haven’t cried for him.  Not this year.

I smiled today through the raindrops when I realized that the sadness of losing someone I loved didn’t make me feel like I might possibly drown in my own night tears.  The tears that well up in the dark and make your eyes feel like they are in pools of sorrow, that soon pour over your face and make you realized how deeply you have fallen into that depression.

He left us, he died. He isn’t coming to the party and no matter how broken my heart felt my pain wasn’t going to bring him back.  I actually found myself curled up on the floors sobbing more times than I want to remember.  Thinking “I don’t think I will know how to find my way back after this.”

There were fights about my grief.  Ugly ones with mean words that carved deeper into my depression.

There were moments I really questioned if I needed to be checked into a hospital.

It took time, years even. I can finally say his name out loud without that lump in my throat.  He died and I survived.

Today I smiled knowing that even though I didn’t think I’d every get over it, I made it through.  I know he would be proud of me.

Even better… I’m proud of myself.

Love, Crysta - Dancing With Fireflies

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