Lost

Autism-Speaks-Sign-4When I close my eyes there is a brief second that I can almost feel you.  So I close my eyes often, hoping that if I do it enough there will be a whole minute in the day when I don’t feel this thing that I do now. People walking by might thing I am sleepy and need a moment to rest my eyes, they can’t know that I am not tired but searching.

It’s 3am and I open my eyes and the darkness greets me with silence except for my husband snoring softly, so oblivious to my lack of sleep. I look around the room not even sure what I am looking for in the blackness of night. Again I feel as if I am looking through the veil and hoping to find something that isn’t there, a whisper, a clue.

I see signs in obvious places, pennies on sidewalks, feathers in trees, music where music should be, all hidden messages to where it might be.  I am feel as if I am searching for a treasure that won’t be found.

Time keeps moving faster and pushing me towards this date on the calendar that I don’t want to see.  I ignore the motivational speakers and nod my head like an idiot in hopes that they won’t notice that I am not listening.  I can’t listen if I want to find it!  Why the hell is this so damned hard!

Impatient and annoyed, I take it out on my hands as I clench them tight and twist them back and forth as if trying to push out the rage through my skin.  The damned silence is taunting me as I engage in telepathic conversations that are one sided because you have abandoned me now. I’ll show you, I’ll be so busy that I don’t have time to think.  I’ll play the music so loud that I wouldn’t hear you even if you wanted me to.  I won’t be a part of this… I don’t want to keep looking for signs… waiting for whispers… hopeful that you will just give me one… tiny… word.

Damned you for this!  Damned you for giving me this distraction from my life.  You always wanted to be the center of attention and got so pissy when you weren’t.  Now you have my attention and you give me nothing in return.  I gave you my friendship, my attention, my love… you were my friend, my safe place, my brother.  I would have done anything for you, you just had to say it.  But sending me on this ridiculous quest to find all of the pieces that shattered of my heart when you died is bullshit.

But still I close my eyes and let the cool wind blow over my face and let go of the sadness and anger. Peaceful thoughts settle around me and I push myself to be better than I was, a better wife, a better mother, a better me as I think about how you cheered me on.  Even though you were here one day, so loud and full of yourself and gone without warning.  I will keep looking for all of the tiny pieces of my heart and glue them back in place somehow. All the while I’ll be looking for hope that you aren’t gone forever and one day you will let me know that you loved me as much as I did you, as your friend, your safe place, your sister.

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