I struggle sometime when I feel like I am looking forward so far that I have forgotten my past. I feel pangs of guilt that try to smother my joy. But that is not me following my spark, that is me chasing my past.
Most days I wake up, push my eyes open and look around wondering for a brief moment where I am. Sometimes it is hard to pull myself out of dreams, images so real that I struggle to separate them from reality. My life is good now, really good. But sometimes I don’t feel like I deserve it.
When I was homeless, alone and sleeping in borrowed spaces, THAT I felt like I deserved. Words buried deep in my heart, like bones in a grave, remained cold and haunting. “Ungrateful bitch!” and “You made the bed, now you can lie in it!”
Every success, every win was carried with both joy and guilt.
What I learned, about myself and about letting go, those lessons took far too long.
You are NOT your past.
You are not your parent’s past, or a mistake they made together.
You do not need to keep wearing the bad breakups, the lost jobs, the struggle with fitting in.
At one point you just have to let go and BE who you know you can be. Rise above the past and see clearly towards the future.
It’s not easy, and sometimes we all sigh deeply when we think of the past. Just recently I was standing in my garden, enjoying all that has grown… both physically and mentally in my own growth, and for a moment I almost winced as the thoughts came to my head that I didn’t have the right to be so happy when others were not. Then I let that go and remembered the hard work, the clawing and digging I had to do in order to create this life for myself, and I smiled at all that I had become.
I am NOT my past.