It’s been a hard few months. I am struggling to find my spark right now. 🙁
I lost my Dad in December, suddenly in the middle of the night due to a heart attack. I found out over Facebook that he’d passed and there wasn’t anything I could do about it. I grieved for the loss of my father, but really I grieved for the idea. I loved him. He loved me. But we were not ever very close. He was that guy and I am not sure who I was to him.
That grief was hard, but the life lessons about growing older and accepting that sometimes parents won’t live up to the expectations or fairytales is difficult. Knowing that I’ve gotten to an age where I no longer have parents is ugly.
Then a few days ago my cat, my sweet little best girl, she had a heart attack in the middle of the night. We had to rush her to the emergency vet, and then make the call to put her out of her misery because her heart was dying, she was in terrible pain, and the only thing we could do was let her go quickly.
Sadly, this grief darkens me more. I feel like she should still be napping on my bed, I should still be listening for her to knock on the door in the night to be let in to snuggle. I had a routine around our interactions together. Her love and devotion to our relationship, THAT I didn’t have to doubt, it was there and real. And she gave me comfort while dealing with the rest of the crap… she didn’t ask questions, she didn’t analyze my thoughts, she just curled up next to me for as long as I needed.
In the middle of all of that, I’ve been working through some health issues that have me distracted and really, I just don’t even want to think about any of this right now. Enough is enough!
I was lying in bed last night unable to sleep, thinking of the things I’ve been through the last few months and I feel like I am standing in the dark and only getting rare sparks of light, the good things in my life.
The truth is, we all have periods like this. It seems that there are layers and layers of difficulties piled up and it is hard to see the light.
I want to chase fireflies, to find my spark and hold on to it. Yet, it seems like maybe I am just not ready right now to dance. I’m tired. I’m frustrated. I’m just here in the dark, resting and gathering my strength.
I need to take time for healing before I can embrace the light.