I don’t want to go!

002

I’ve seen dozens of doctors. Neurologist, Endocrinologists, Cardiologists, Pulmonologists, Gynecologists, and more. And it never fails to scare the hell out of me before I get in the door.

When I was a kid I was terrified of doctors. I had all out screaming fits when it came time for shots. I would get so scared that I would shake until I threw up. This wasn’t the best way to start a visit, but I was terrified.

When I was about 5 I had stomach problems. I remember being taken to the hospital and four nurses and two doctors demanded that I swallowed the barium syrup so they could watch it go into my stomach on the x-ray. But the sight of all of them coming at me made me just go into an all-out survival panic. They held me down and tried to pour it down my throat as I screamed, spit, and begged to be free. Then forced to stand there as still as I could while they tried to get the scan. I’m pretty sure they didn’t get it.

Having Lyme Disease, I see a lot of doctors and I have to go often. And I am always scared to walk in the door.

Today I am going back almost 40 years later to see what exactly is going on with my stomach. I need to see the gastro doctor and try not to feel like a scared 5 year old girl.

Maybe it is the fear that they will find something worse that what they have already discovered, I’m not sure. I just don’t want to go in there and tell another doctor my Lyme story. I don’t want to be looked at again like I am crazy for having esophageal tremors or like a science project. Truly, I really just don’t want to go.

But the thing is, I know that I won’t get better and my issues will get worse unless I get help. And not knowing what is wrong is always more terrifying in my head than the actual problem.

So, okay.. I’ll put on my big girl britches and head to the doctor. But I really don’t wanna!

One comment

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