I took some time off. Okay, I look a LOT of time off. I needed a break to get my head back on tight.
It started off as just taking a few weeks over the summer to spend with my daughter, with plans on catching up after she was tired of spending day and night chasing the days of summer with me. It turns out, she didn't get all that tired and we ended up bonding this summer and it was actually wonderful.
I have been having a hard time with the concept that all of my kids have reached a point in their lives where they are taking to the skies and have started to build their nests in new lands. But my friends are all having babies or have little kids, and they really don't have any idea how hard it is to be without them. As one friend said, we are at different seasons in our lives. And while they all ask for advice or wonder what life will be like when their kids have grown into adults, it stings a little to be around little kids and miss the childhood of my own children so much that I dream about them as kids nightly.
But after taking that time off, it was and still is really hard to get back into a routine of work, writing, being productive, and not wanting to go back to bed for another hour. But, I told myself October was it, I was going to get back in my office and back to where I need to be.
But sitting here, I am looking at piles of papers I need to go through, tons of distraction that I feel pulling me in different directions, some work that I need to do for my regular day job, and most of all the concern that maybe I just lost sight of what I need to be doing with my life. This isn't going to be as easy as walking in, flinging off my hat and pushing out some great ideas. I know I am still stuck on a few things.
I know I took more time off for personal reasons. Honestly, for a few weeks I was dealing with a lot of stress, some depression, and more than any of that… anxiety about my life and who exactly I am at the moment. I feel like I sort of hit the wall for a bit and I could either lie there and stare at it, bury myself in denial, or try to climb over it. And for a while I think I just wanted to stare at it, even though it took me a bit to see that it's not changing at all.
So one day at a time, one foot in front of the other. I need deadlines and goals. I need to put my needs in order and accomplish as much as I can.
Here we go!