I love the way the warm chocolate catches the light as it cools slowly from the oven. My husband makes the best chocolate chip cookies. They are golden brown, crisp on the edges, yet still soft and perfect in the middle. My mouth always waters waiting for them to cool down as he moves them from the cookie pan to the plate. It’s a treat, this loving thing that he does for us. A treat that I can never resist, even when I am supposed to be watching my diet.
Diet… the dreaded THING that most women feel that they must be constantly on in order to either explain why they walk away from the Starbucks bakery counter sadly after eyeing up the crumbly top of the blueberry muffins that would go amazing with the White Mocha latte that they also passed up in trade for a skinny vanilla, no whip, no fat, no taste child size latte that still costs as much as the full fat but with half the guilt.
Screw the guilt, screw the diet. I am choosing to love myself, love my body, and enjoy who I am rather than my dress size.
I’ve never been the perfect size. In fact, even when I was the right size for shopping at the trendy shops with the tiny mannequins, I still never fit quite right. Either my boobs were too small to fill out the tops of the dresses, my hips too square for the jeans, or the fact that I will never be over 5’2” ever.. even when I try.. I am short. But life changes us, we adapt, we age, we move through dressing rooms trying to mold ourselves into who and what we think makes sense according to our clothes.
I am not my clothes, but my style is a reflection of who I am. There are days when I don’t feel like wearing anything more than my yoga pants and slacker t-shirt, and don’t even think about a bra… that’s not happening. But when I do go out, I want the first impression of who I am to be someone who is comfortable with who she sees in the mirror. I know I am not 21 anymore, band shirts and short shorts will never be in my collection again. Neither will stiletto heels, miniskirts, crop tops, or neon colors. These days I love looking at what beautiful confident women are wearing and finding items that reflect my own confidence in who I am.
I love who I am. It took me over 40 years to really be sure that I could stand up and say that proudly. But really, I wouldn’t change anything about who I have become. My weight is not who I am. So yes, sometimes I’ll have to only take 2 cookies and spend a little more time tomorrow walking my dog so I know that I am doing what is best for my body. But I won’t feel guilty that I am no longer a size 5, I am more than a number on a scale.