I forgive you.

 

Dear You Know Who You are,

I forgive you for dying and leaving me here in this world without a clue as to how I am going to be able to get through a whole day without seeing something that reminds me of you and missing you even more.  I don’t want to wish for one more day any more.  I want to get through this one without thinking that I want to call you up today and ask your advice, knowing that you are going to be on my side and help me see what is usually so plain in front of my face. I had a breakdown yesterday and all I wanted was to hear your voice and have you tell me everything was going to be ok. Nothing feels ok right now.

I don’t like that you have the best excuse for not showing up to my 40th birthday party,  I really wanted you to be there. I forgive you for dying, but I am so sad that you did.

Little Girl, whoever you are… I forgive you for driving the car and being stupid in thinking you had enough time to pull out in front of my oldest friend and brother.  But you didn’t… You killed him and now he’s gone from the rest of us. Now we have to live without someone we loved so much because you couldn’t wait one more minute for him to pass. I forgive you even though my heart feels so sick because I can’t go five minutes without thinking about the man we all lost, the friend, the brother, the partner, the incredible talent that was torn away from us. He’s gone because you were in a hurry.  I hope you learned that some things are worth taking your time and being careful over, you can never replace a life.

And you, Guy in the Car on 97, I forgive you for being pissed off at my son and causing him to have an accident that could have taken his life just as easily as I just lost my oldest friend.  I forgive you because you couldn’t have known that he didn’t have enough experience in both life and riding to be able to handle the situation.  What you did was wrong and I hope that somehow you actually were able to see that your actions that you got away with almost took the life of someone amazing and young because you were pissed off. Unlike the Little Girl whose actions caused the death of an amazing man on his motorcycle you weren’t responsible for a death, and I am thankful for that.  Even though your actions were on purpose and you wanted to hurt someone that day, you got lucky and so did we. That day a life was saved, lessons were learned.

I forgive all of you because I can.  I have to forgive my best friend for dying because his death ripped a hole in my reality so wide that it demands that I stop and take notice of all of the people left in my life and to be thankful for all of them. I forgive him for dying, because I know in my heart that he did everything he could to prevent it and I know his spirit is with us all as long as we need him.  And that Little Girl who took him away from us didn’t set out that day to kill anyone and I know that.  Few ever set out with that in their hearts.

The hardest one to forgive is myself, I know I should have called him more, returned calls faster, stop rolling my eyes when he would go on for hours on how much he loved his girlfriend.  I wish now that I had taken that trip out to see him when he asked and the day off of work when he was here instead. I can’t get those days back and I am still pretty sad about it. But because of all of it, I am taking time to stop what I am doing when my family wants my attention.  I am making time to see friends and listen to their stories and not letting my work be an excuse.  I am learning to listen to my inner voice and understanding my own needs as I try to get through a whole day without tears. I’ve gotten close, but so far I am still finding that difficult. But I forgive myself for feeling emotional and having feelings that change with the tide.

Sincerely,

Crysta

 

( reposted from Sept 04,2012 )

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