There are moments when you just have to stop and look around to see where you are. Sometimes I feel like I am always moving, life is passing by so quickly and I really just need to pause and look around to see where I have landed. Have I any idea where I am going?
Most of the time, yes.. I know where I am going and move one day at a time to get there. Although there are always days when I feel like I am just annoyed with the place where I have chosen to pause life and take stock of it. It feels like I have come to the end of a season of my favorite show and I am right at the cliffhanger screaming at the TV “What the hell just happened?!?”
When Lance died, life chose that moment to press pause on life and force me to take time to stop my forward movement and look around. It was shocking to my system to be forced to stop. Usually it is my own doing that causes me to reflect. But this sudden halt to my routine jarred everything as my life came screeching to a stop.
I looked around, devastated at the loss and tried to figure out what exactly to do next. His unexpected absence from my life ripped a hole right through the center of my map. Without direction I felt so lost and confused as to where I was heading. I never understood how much I had come to depend on him until he was taken away. I screamed out, demanding God tell me how I was supposed to keep heading in the right direction when he just ripped my best friend away from me, the person I went to when I needed to be set straight. How the hell was I supposed to be ok now? Tell me!
I am a defiant one; I don’t always play well with others. I hate being told what to do. Tell me to relax and I will fight you all night. Being that way makes it hard to take advice from others. But as I crumbled at his death, others came forward with help and warm welcoming arms. I just wanted to break down and sleep off this pain. They weren’t going to let that happen, these welcoming hearts that were always there for me and just waiting patiently to be seen.
They shared moments of their own break downs, losses, and pain. Friends reached forward and held me up. My real friends rushed forward and helped mop up my tears and understood as I lashed out at the heavens. I found new friends who were part of Lance’s life and now we were brought together by the bonds of grief at his departure.
Now as I take a good look around I see that I am still on the right path and I have the love and support of many behind me. I don’t think that Lance died because I was dependent on him, I think that his death allowed me to see that I am strong because I have an amazing cast of friends and family supporting me and I can’t go wrong with them at my side.
It still hurts to miss him as much as I do. I still think I see him in crowds of people, hear his laugh in random places, and consider his words of wisdom when I am considering what to do next. I hope that never ends. But I know it is time to press Play again and get moving along.