I loved the story, the beautiful girl who was solid and true. She was the beauty in the garden that the beast could not destroy. I was always attracted to the dangerous bad boy. I loved the bad guys with the playful pirate smile, the villains that had that little bit of good still left in them. I gravitated towards the rouge types, the ones with the reputation for being a hidden hero behind the dark cloak.

Perhaps in truth I wanted to find the good in them, hoping someone would find the good in me. Yet in all of the romance novels where the fearless maiden falls in love with the moody knight do they go on to tell you that sometimes you have to let go of that and realize that those dark seeds are sown really deep. When you move towards negativity in your relationships, you breed and become negativity yourself.

Maybe I am the breeder of dark things. I was the one always trying to rescue the underdogs, the unloved, and the risk-takers. I put myself out there to take them all under my wing and shelter them with goodness that I thought radiated to warm them. My fierceness was unstoppable when I championed for a cause that I deemed worthy of my attention, yet could it be that I was wrong and I myself was the last negative thing added to the pile that caused the damn to break? I dare to think that now the change that I saw that I contributed as being moved into a positive place was now because I forced them to take no more and dig themselves into the light?

I have no fear of pointing out the obvious, no regrets about shining the light on the cracks. I say the things that I think need to be said and yet I have no regard for timing. I am the frank friend who won’t lie, but I will help try to make things better.

But maybe that makes me the beast in the garden. Maybe I don’t know how to be good and I ruin everything because I have torn them all apart. Perhaps in this world I am the great beast so blinded by my own way of seeing things that I have become a monster by my own curse. Yet instead of looking for the one who will save me from this burden of my own bringing, I attract others that also have dark souls. Perhaps so I don’t feel so ugly when surrounded by monsters.

I don’t know that I believe in true love’s kiss being able to lift curses. In fact, I rarely believe in true love at all. I write about it, create lives in make-believe that are bound eternally by this magical concept. However life has taught me that nothing is forever and everything will change. You can’t hold on to anything too tightly because you will crush it, the same thing goes for love.

What a sad realization.


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