Cry til you can’t anymore…

“Crying is all right in its way while it lasts. But you have to stop sooner or later, and then you still have to decide what to do.”
C.S. Lewis, The Silver Chair

 

We are all there sometimes, when it feels as if there is nothing left in your soul but hurt. It hurts to think; each thought just rips open your heart and leads to more pain. There is no redemption, nothing to soothe your pain. You want so much to get up out of that bed and move, to move on, to move away.  But then the idea of letting it go, letting that hurt slip away just grabs hold of you and refuses to let go. You stay there a bit longer, trying to catch your breath.

Time passes, your eyes so heavy with swollen lids and exhaustion that you close them and lie there in the silence with only your jagged breathing and trembling spirit. Sleep tries to comfort you.  You don’t want to be comforted; you want things to go back to the way they were when they were good.

Sadness swims around the room like silent fish, dipping closer to you and swimming to the edges of your thoughts. Everything seems so slow now, just you and the pain cradled up together as you recall every moment in the clearest details. You make permanent “Forever” memories of this pain and all that brought you here, refusing to let this ever be forgotten.

Cry… cry til you can’t anymore, and then let it go.

The sobs soften. The thoughts come to the surface of how to move on, though you try to push them away, they come still. Fresh tears well up as you swear you won’t let this go. Then the anger begins to scab over the wound, trying to heal you.  “Pathetic!  How could you let this hurt you?“   the voice in your head whispers, trying to get you up out of that bed to fight back, stand up and live!

Your hands wipe away the cold damp tears that have welled up between your eyes and nose, dry them off your cheeks as you draw in the air into your lungs slowly.  Little hiccups of pain release as your breathing starts to come softer now, your eyes open to the thoughts of where to go from here.

Perhaps just sitting there for what might feel like years in silence.  You will yourself to create a new world without this void that would have almost drown you if had not been for that tiny spark of life left in you and wanted you to live. You begin to move, move up, move through, move away.  You know that if you don’t keep moving that the pain will come and this time you might not be so strong.  Keep going… don’t look back… be stronger, be more, be you only better.

One day you look around and see that you survived. You reach inward and realize there are no more tears for that pain; you have only strength and calm.  You lived through that and because of it you are here. Perhaps soft smiles of acknowledgement before you let it fly away again to the place were Forever Memories live. Or perhaps you just move on.

7 comments

  1. Beautiful, beautiful words and you capture “that feeling” so amazingly on point. I could totally identify with your words and all the pain and emotion. We all have to go through it at one time or another and you explained it well….every detail!

    • Thanks. I love when I write something like this and I get people asking me if I am okay.. and I have no idea why. Then they ask me about what I wrote and I realize that they think I am in the middle of a breakdown… but, I like that they can feel something in my writing.

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