The first year was the hardest. I had declared it, stood my ground, cried and wanted to go back. Everything happened that year, the best moments that you want to share and the worst moments when I wanted comfort. It was if God knew that if I could get through that first year with everything life could throw at me and still hold my head up, be strong, and defy all attempts at guilt for demanding that I be allowed to live a life without lies and bullshit then I would be alight.
I am alright. I am better than alright, I have a new life.
No, I am not happy that I had to rip my own life apart, I had to hurt people I honestly love in order to make myself whole for the first time ever. I am not happy that I had to be told by other people that my name was being pissed upon over and over on the internet, emails, ect. But that didn’t make me hurt, it made me know that what I had to do. I had to stand up and declare my independence and walk so far away from that drama that I couldn’t even find my way back if I wanted to.
I did that. I chose to love myself and let go of pain so that I could truly love others the way I wanted to.
I am thankful for this yearly reminder, the fireworks and the celebration. I didn’t end up the piece of crap that she said I would be. I am a good person, a loved person, a survivor. I address my issues, I know I have a lot of flaws and I have to remind myself of where I came from so that I don’t fall back on the lessons I was taught. I treat people right, I don’t hate anyone. I don’t judge people based on their color or their wallets. I certainly don’t hate men the way she wanted me to. I love… really love. I can now, because I know that you can’t find peace when you are creating a war with everyone.
It’s my second year. People say that they are proud of me. But I am the one who is proud, I did it.
The nightmares are still there, they are reminders of the twisted past and criminal lies that were passed off as truth. I don’t fear them anymore. I acknowledge that I went through something and it took me a really long time to understand that I didn’t have to. I needed to get to a point where I hit the bottom of my emotional barrel and I couldn’t take anymore. It was making me so sick, I was dying because I didn’t have anything else of my soul to give. I had broken off pieces to patch up a person that forgot how to be whole. I couldn’t see how I was destroying myself.
I can heal. I am a fighter, I am smart, I will heal. I won’t be torn apart again. This is my Independence Day.