I’ve been there, in those moments of the greatest despair. I’ve sat there in the dark, pistol in hand and thoughts fighting demons. “How fucking dare you! I didn’t deserve that!” I snarled as I shook my head and screamed at the ministers of hate that wanted to destroy all signs of light left in me. But they were already gone, moved on to the next innocent quarry and I was left there to clean up the stains and try to find all the pieces of my damaged soul.
You thought you left me broken, you won’t ever know how that dagger only sparked me to fight harder. You might have thought that I was screwed, penniless and pathetic. I was just waiting for the wounds to scar over.
I’ve been there, wondering if I should just give in and let go. Perhaps the next life would be something better, perhaps there was nothing on the other side and I could just stop hurting for a little while. I felt the words echo in my tears. “You are such and ungrateful bitch! I gave you everything!” Absorbing the words like a rose in the desert.
You laughed as you watched me disintegrate, feeling potent with your authority. You just taught me to be more than a child. You would have savored the limelight of my tragedy. You nourished the soil of melancholy and waited for the opportunity to become more than you were with the news story of my melodramatic end. You weren’t so lucky, I wouldn’t be vanquished by someone so simple.
As a babe, the veil was lifted from my newborn eyes and I saw the world without the glamour of fairy spells. Born old and aware. I made it through the years of youth, fought my dragons young and now settle into my success fueled by the knowing that I will find my way through the mist unbroken and better than before.
Nobody should ever have to accept rape and abuse. Mental illness and depression is not an excuse for ignorance and selfishness.
I am not alone, there are countless others out there who have had to endure the shame of their situations.
We have a choice, we can close our eyes and pull the trigger or we can get up and be unbroken, fearless, and ready to become something more.