His Letter to Me – A letter of grief, friendship, and letting go… sort of.

In August 2012, I lost my best friend in a terrible accident. He was so important to me and I was so freaking mad after a few months that people started to worry about me. So after a few months I went to a therapist to try to feel better. She tried to explain the steps of grief to me and I explained that I knew all of that and I STILL didn’t feel like I was ready for this “good-bye” step that everyone was telling me that I needed to take. So she suggested I write a letter from my friend giving me permission to let go. Truthfully, it was and still is stupid.  But what came out of it wasn’t crap.. and it did make me start to understand how I was supposed to live without him. So, for your reading pleasure, I give you “His Letter to Me. ”

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She said I had to write a letter. Not just any letter to anyone, but a letter from him to me. How in the world am I supposed to write a letter from him to me? He’s gone. Not coming back, not writing me any more letters. What is this supposed to prove… that I can truly hurt myself greater than anyone else?

Dear Crysta…

This is ridiculous, he would have never been that formal.

My long lost friend,

Funny, but not helping. Always the comic.

Hey Girl!

Dude, you are dead…I can’t imagine you are in a great mood. And you are supposed to be helping me through grief. Being happy about being dead isn’t helpful!

Hi…

I suppose that is better. But doesn’t really leave much room for a follow up lecture about how I am not getting over grief and how I am supposed to feel better that my best friend is dead.

What am I supposed to say? Welcome to the big circle of life? I am sorry I died? What is it I can say that is going to give you what you need to move on?

I think that is the point. There is supposed to be some closure to this and I am supposed to feel like you would want me to move on and I am supposed to come to some point where I can accept it.

That is bullshit. What happened is bullshit. There is no Zen answer to all of this. No mystical logic.

Exactly.

So, what can I tell you? I didn’t mean for this to happen. I didn’t mean to leave behind the people I love. I wouldn’t have if I had any choice. You know that! You know that I was in a good place for the first time in my life, I was headed in the right direction. Why the hell would I give that up? Why would I want to put the people I care about so much through so much misery?
You wouldn’t have. I know you didn’t mean for this to happen. It was an accident.

Yeah, and I am sorry that you are so unhappy and it is because of me.

Yeah, me too. But the point of this isn’t for you to be sorry. It’s for me to try and find a way to cope with going through the rest of my life without you in it. It’s for me to try to come to terms with knowing that everyone one day must move on. It’s for me to find some sort of magic key that unlocks my ability to accept this and not feel the way I do.

And she thinks that you writing a letter from me is going to help? Anyone who has ever gone through such a loss truly understands that you don’t stop talking to the dead, you just stop making the sounds out loud so people don’t think you are crazy.

I don’t know. I just know that I am so sad and unhappy that you are gone and it’s not a good place to be in. I just want to feel better. I don’t want to drown in this grief and sadness and turn into something I can’t control.

We came to each other for therapy. We supported each other through some pretty hard times. That’s a trusting place that is hard to get to. I get it. You don’t think you can give that trust to anyone else. Lots of people feel that way. Even when they don’t lose someone they are close to. But it’s time to start reaching out to those that are still there in the living world to help put you back in that good zone.

I do try. I try to put on a damned happy face and get involved in new things to keep me busy. But I need you…

Always have me, you know that.

I don’t want to say good-bye. That is what everyone keeps saying I need to do. To put some closure to this and I don’t have it in me yet! I still look at your pictures and hear your voice. I still wait for the phone to ring at the same time every day. I am not moving forward!

Maybe they consider good-bye as a healthy way of moving forward. They don’t understand what you and I know about why you don’t say good-bye. They think that if you can put this part of your life to rest that you will feel better and the weight of it won’t be so heavy on you. They don’t understand that you look at the pictures to make yourself happy, not to make yourself sad. They see you hurting and want to help. But you know now, time has passed, that I am not calling anymore. You want me to, you want the phone to ring. But you know now that it isn’t me… I am not calling you. So, you are moving forward… just slower than you or others might want.

Are you angry with me for being weak about this?

I couldn’t be angry with you for that. Unless you weren’t taking steps to get better. Or if you were hurting your family because of your anger. But you aren’t. You are just trying to move through some pretty big things right now and it is taking a lot of work and effort.

Yeah.

You will get through this. You have gotten through worse with much less support. And I am sorry I wasn’t a better friend back then to be able to help you.

You don’t have to be sorry anymore. But… you are right. This is hard, this is horrible. But, you are right… I have a lot of support and I am in a much better place than I was the other times I had to get through hard things. I just always thought we would grow old together and always be close.

That is where you are confused. We will always be close. You will never ever forget the special bond and friendship we had. I will always be special to you and nobody is asking you to let that specialness go away or be forgotten. People are just concerned that you are so sad about this that you will forget THEM.

I think I understand…

Good.

Maybe writing this letter wasn’t a bad idea.

Maybe not.

17 comments

  1. I’m sitting here reading and re-reading your letter and each time I find myself holding back the tears…and yet I felt the emotion the connection between the both of you telling each other all of the things that matter most…knowing that you will always have that connection….thank you for sharing this.

  2. So much healing in the letters you write. I too wrote a letter to someone who would never have the chance to read it but I swear it was a major turning point in my life. Just to spill the pain out onto the paper gave my heart a much needed break from the terrible pain. I am so glad you shared this. I love your honesty but I am very sorry for the loss of your friend 🙁

  3. […] 3 months- Every time I hear his name said out loud, it feels like a punch to my heart.  The sweetness of silence is often too loud, I cover it over with music. But I grow frustrated when the music just keeps playing songs that I know he liked, things targeted at my emotions.  I know I’ve hit the angry place in my grief not just because the books and my grief therapist have told me so, but because I am so mad that I strike out in every direction.  Now I just have to channel that into something constructive. […]

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