Can you just go away and give me some space? I need to think.
I say that a lot. Sometimes I feel like there are just too many people in the world and it smothers me. I need to sort out all of the thoughts that are flooding into my head and make the noise go away. Why is there always so much noise? People chewing, cars going by, dogs barking, someone coughing, so much noise…
Sometimes I need to sit in silence and just stare at this white page until it bursts out of me and I can come away cleaner. The tiny black squiggles are the magic ingredients to the potion and purge me from my madness. I know I am difficult to understand. I know that when I snap that I don’t want to see another living soul for hours that it must be hurtful and confusing. I’ve never cared much for being ordinary, but I didn’t ask for this. I didn’t ask to have so many thoughts in my head sometimes that I feel like a madman talking to the voices. Unlike a madman, I can settle them and make the chaos go away. I need to write, to create, to be alone.
Only he gets that. He sees that when I restrict this need I feel out of it and cranky. Only he feeds the fuel of my creative flames and inspires me to take it beyond simple. He sees that there is something there, even when I don’t.
It must be difficult to know that anything and everything can be used and will be. I try not to fire directly in his direction, but sometimes it happens. That energy gets away from me and I need to release it in my words, and I am not shy enough to keep it to myself. Yet you just let me be who I am, never glaring at me for what or who I write about. How can you do that?
You carry the heavy load so that I can dance freely. You are the one who is labeled with “responsible” and “mature” while I cast of everything and trust that you will catch me when I freefall into your arms. You always catch me… always. Even when I am screaming in rage, sobbing in grief, or blindly letting go of the rails, you always have me.
Everyone knows you are the rock that everything is built upon. I love that about you, but it drives me mad. You have the rules, and I make every attempt to break them all. You love me, and I don’t know why. How can you be so sturdy and love someone who is a dreamer?
Go away, but come back later. Okay?