Goodbye Guilt

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Today as I sat on my front porch enjoying the peaceful rush of water over the rocks and the sweet sound of birds calling like enchanted lovers to one another I realized that by embracing the good in my life, the negative can not take hold and guide me anywhere I do not want to be.  It’s my choice to be angry over things I can not control and in the same thought, it’s my choice to live free and happy in spite of how others feel.

“You can’t save others from themselves because those who make a perpetual muddle of their lives don’t appreciate your interfering with the drama they’ve created. They want your poor-sweet-baby sympathy, but they don’t want to change.” ― Sue Grafton, T is for Trespass

I’m ok with moving in a good direction.  I can feel life just changing. It’s ok for me to let these things go and to move on in a better leaner and healthier way without regret or guilt.

“Anger will never disappear so long as thoughts of resentment are cherished in the mind. Anger will disappear just as soon as thoughts of resentment are forgotten.” – Budda

So how does one free themselves of resentment?  I think you have to accept that you have it, learn where it comes from, and then decide how you are going to address it and resolve it.  I don’t think you can go through life putting off facing the problems.  It just festers until you just have to focus on the pain and deal with it or die.

“There is nothing more galling to angry people than the coolness of those on whom they wish to vent their spleen.” ~Alexandre Dumas

Today I am ok.  I have a loving kind family that I respect and adore.  I have a safe home in a neighborhood of friends that I trust. I don’t have to live in guilt for the nice things I have, the family I have made for myself, or the life I have chosen to embrace. I don’t have to be ashamed that for the first time I am taking steps to recover the life I always hid away so I didn’t hurt anyone’s feelings and be proud of my accomplishments.  It wasn’t easy, but I have to let the past go.. let the hurt leave me.

He who angers you conquers you. ~Elizabeth Kenny

So what does it mean to let the resentment and anger go? It means that I don’t have to hold on to the snide comments, the angery letters, the guilt filled voicemails, or even the memories of lost days.  It’s over.. really.  I am letting it go and moving on for myself.  You can try to pull me back with your demands, threats, or whatever device you think of next… but I am not coming back.  I have taken back my power and that just pisses you off.

05I know that I am not a cold unfeeling person, no matter how many times you try to convince me of it.  Hello world, I actually do give a damned but I am not letting you abuse me because I feel. I feel the hurt of others and at times I have let that push me into situations that I never felt were right. I feel responsibility much stronger than many, and I was the one who let others manipulate that.  I will give until I have nothing left to give, and I was the one who didn’t know how to make it stop. I am responsible for my own life and I am taking that very seriously.   I am owning that nobody can take from me what I do not give.  I gave chances to hurt me out like candy on Halloween by the handfuls.  But few actually accepted my offering, and the best ones stepped up to block the way of those who hung around waiting for opportunity.

“Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.” – Budda

Hello Guilt, you are not welcome here anymore. I can be soft and gentle, kind and loving.  I can be happy and successful and there’s nothing you can do about it anymore.  I do not need you.  Guilt, you have no place in my life anymore. Today I am proud of who I am and you can’t take that away.

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I wrote this a couple of years ago, Jun 29, 2012, after finally letting a family member go. It was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. But every encounter was so painful and I was the one who piled on the guilt onto my own shoulders for weeks afterwards. Someone I care about very much sat me down one afternoon and had a really deep heart to heart with me about how much I allowed this person to have power over me and how terrible I felt about it. I didn’t want to face how much others saw me suffering and wanted to help me, but had kept out of it because they didn’t want to add more to my burden. I spent so much of my adult life feeling bad about myself that I forgot how to feel good and accepting of the hard work I had done.  I am so thankful that I took his advice, his words stick with me every day.  I am a good person and I deserve to be happy!

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