gallery Going back in time.

Ever hear a voice that reminded you of someone special, someone from your past that always held special meaning and paused just for a moment to linger in that thought? Ever see something that pulled you right into a playback of your life somewhere old and almost forgotten? Had time changed how you felt about them? Or did you blink it away and keep moving?

I tend to be a dreamer, getting lost in thoughts so vivid that I drift away to someone place just for a moment.  This is NOT a good thing when driving.. trust me. Thankfully I’ve always avoided accidents and found ways to pull back out of those mind-trapping thoughts before they drove me into danger. But every once in a while I’ve been free enough to let those moments settle in and enjoyed them, finding ways to work through times in my life that actually needed more attention. Mentally talking out some painful moments, confused conversations, places that I’d put away for a while and found the time to pull back out and deal with.

I’m thankful for that ability to mentally see those times, the familiar faces, the sound of those voices. I think it helps, I know that I can stop at any time and put them back on that shelf and deal with them as I can. Most importantly I’ve learned that by picking at those painful places a tiny bit at a time that I have actually become a much happier and more forgiving person. Not to say that I don’t hold grudges, I am a woman.. women created grudges!  But more that when I pull those times out I’ve had time to rationalize them and see them from different moments in my life.

As a teen, things were so complicated.  Hormones mixed with frustrating situations beyond my control made for an emotional few years that I didn’t really have the understanding at the time to know how to deal with. As a young adult you think you have a full understanding of what’s going on and how to handle it, yet there’s this part of you that wants to fall back to childhood and just pretend that it’s not exactly how it looks.  I had my share of drama, of feeling like I was walking through the hallways of my high school with absolutely no idea of what to do next and where I should go. I’d look around at the people in my life and think that they all had it so together and nobody else looked like their lives had ever seen a bad day.  I was wrong, so wrong that it would take 20 years to figure out how wrong I really was.

I looked for something then and found it only briefly.  I looked for a deeper connection with other human beings that would help me to understand the human soul. I allowed quick moments of friendliness to attempt to find those connections, but only found them sometimes overwhelming and pulled back to shyness that appeared as emotionless indifference.  I found girls the most difficult to understand and their cruelty left scars that would take decades to heal over to be able to trust the female mind with my friendship.

 

Boys however were easy to understand and welcomed my attention.  To me they were curious with their unwritten rules between them, these imbedded guides that they seemed to just know as if they were born with a guidebook that I as a female had not been given.  “It’s ok to stand with a man to pee, unprotected and unguarded with your delicate parts exposed, but it is NOT ok to tell your guy friends what really scares you. ” or the even more intriguing fellowship of brothers that binds them together like blood. I found friendships with boys easy, there were no complex meanings to their conversations, no digging for gossip, nothing but face-value. I enjoyed their jokes, took comfort in their protective stance against the world should insult come my way, and came to find that even though most lacked that connection I was seeking a few had flickers of it from time to time, enough to seal them as forever friends, making promises that would never be broken of holding a special place for our friendship no matter time or distance. For the most part, I haven’t broken any of those promises. A few of them still tender to my heart in spite of the years gone by without conversation, without keeping touch.  Others have been lost but their memory of our youth will always be cherished in those vivid daydreams.

Perhaps it’s a desire to know that no matter where I might travel I won’t be forgotten, I won’t be dead to them in their thoughts.  I don’t want to die from forgotteness.  I am still here.. and in some land of memories my old friends are still as well.

I’d love more than anything for my life today, the one I love so much with the people I adore to be able to meet some of those lost friends. I’d love for Michael to meet that crazy girl who made me laugh at her funny antics and silly dares, now all grown up but still full of laughter and this brilliant personality that just makes me smile.  I wish he’d be able to sit and enjoy some of my old memory walks with old friends as I do listening to his.  I’m not sure if I could handle visiting my actual hometown, but it was always the people who were home… not so much the place.

I’d love to be able to sit and enjoy a cup of coffee with old friends. To see them in real life and not just the memories of them as children would be amazing. Perhaps it’s still my desire to understand human connections and find out if once they are made if they continue to exist even when they seem so invisible. Perhaps all I have are these vivid daydreams, memories of voices, and a make-believe world where friendships never end because for a brief moment in time we allowed our souls to shine to one another and the brilliance of that light made us oh so much better for it.

(reposted from Feb 22, 2012)

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