You won’t win

You couldn’t just let me have that perfect day.  You had to creep in and screw it up.  You sat there whispering in my ear and wouldn’t let me just enjoy the cool breeze. I hate you… I always have.  I’ve never ever liked you, and yet there you are every time I think I have gotten away.

You are a monster, you know that?  You have ruined some of the most amazing memories because I didn’t know how to push you off. Damned you!  But you won’t win, not today.

You were there when I was a child, trying to figure out how to be liked by other children. You laughed at me and pointed out my stupid laugh, my ugly teeth, and my boney knees.  You reminded me that I was always the new kid, nobody liked the new kid.  You pulled me away from everyone else and sat with me alone on the playground swings while the other kids all laughed and talked about the weird girl.

When I was older you were that popular girl with all of the friends who got great grades and knew how pretty she was.  You were the one who made sure I knew I wasn’t wanted there either and pointed out that I didn’t know the answers to the questions, didn’t know how to say the right thing, and just how pathetic I was.

You thought you had the best of me a few times. You thought you had me so close to taking that final step and ending it all, but I proved you wrong! You failed, you had the right opportunities and you didn’t push hard enough and I pulled out of it.  I didn’t turn to drugs, I didn’t drink myself into stupidity, and I didn’t let you win.

But I am stronger than you think.  I was stronger than even I knew.  When he cheated and left, and I was all alone trying to figure out what to do with my life and you were there telling me that nobody would ever love me again.  I proved you wrong and someone does love me, more than I ever thought I was worth loving.   When she went crazy again and again and told me it was all my fault and that I was a bad daughter, you tried to make me think that I had to do something about it. But I didn’t, I didn’t have to take the weight of everyone else’s world on my shoulders.  I just had to know that I did what I could and that doesn’t make me a bad daughter, it makes me a better mother and wife for not dragging my family under the water trying to save someone who was never happy to begin with.

You are always going to be there.  You aren’t going away and I am glad.  Because without you I wouldn’t be so thankful for the good days, the healthy days, the days when I can sit outside with nothing else to do but to think.  Even though you are there, I have learned how to manage you and take away your power.  Some days, it’s harder than others and you try to beat me up.  But I’ve got help, a loving family, wonderful friends, and no matter what you try to throw at me I know that I can take one step at a time and always come out better than you.

You can start a war, make me sick, and take away my best friends.  But you can’t turn me into someone I don’t want to become.  So listen up stress… you can take the day off, I am too busy being happy today.

http://fireflydance.net/2013/07/26/weekly-writing-challenge-stress/

~ C. ~

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