Yesterday was the funeral, damned those days. Damned them all! Days that wake up pretty, full of sun then your brain suddenly smashes through the pretty and reminds you that today and every day from here on out you have to live without pieces of your soul. No amount of pretty is going to cover over that huge freaking ugly place, so you can take your sunny morning, your chirping birds, your “Oh this could be a nice day” feelings and shove them!
Yeah.. that’s how I was feeling most of the day. Kind of on the edge of anger and tears, I just wanted to get through the day that is officially set aside as the day you say “Good-Bye” to the loved ones and move on with your life. I’m sorry, but I really don’t subscribe to the idea that my grief needs to be resigned once the organ music plays and the scent of floral comfort washes over the room full of obviously broken-hearted people who were not ready to say good-bye to someone so young and full of life.
After managing to get through the day, well.. with the help of some wine and sleeping through parts of it I forced myself to get up and head to bed. My husband reminded me that it was only 9:30 and I reminded him back that if he had been paying attention I had actually been asleep on the couch for at least an hour and apparently my body had no idea when you were supposed to sleep anymore, but I was going to go snore in a private place and not on display in front of the television.
As usual after brushing my teeth and crawling into bed, I checked my phone. It used to be to make sure the sound was low, it was charging, and one last check to see what was going on with my shop and Facebook. Now, the routine is to make sure the sound is up so that the next time tragedy strikes in the middle of the night I will wake up. This theory of turning up the sound made no difference however last week when my eyes had slid open and I lay there in the night listening to the silence for at least a minute before the call came and validated my inner fears that something was wrong. However the new routine is there and as a side thought I checked my email and saw that I was nominated for the Beautiful Blogger Award by Val and her blog A Light In The Chaos. My brow lifted as I wondered what kind of kooky scam this was. My blog is rarely beautiful and lately it’s been down right sad! In the morning I would investigate this madness and get to the bottom of it.
Morning came again, ugh… will someone PLEASE turn off the cheer when I am TRYING to be depressed and moody. Wasn’t the memo about sending the rain to be sad and gloomy sent out as I requested? Damned it, it was going to be even harder to be sullen and sad if this nonsense kept up. I would have to take matters into my own hands and keep the cheer to a lull. And while I was thinking of this I wanted to find out exactly what this “Beautiful Blogger Award” craziness was. How dare these creators of cheer actually not see that there doesn’t seem to be any beauty in my words lately. Beautiful blogger.. bah.. I might get a Cranky Crying Wench award nomination but I don’t know about this Beautiful Blogger nonsense.
Then I read the post again. Hmm.. ok.. not sure what that is. But.. the rules say to go check out the blog of the person who nominated you and do some stuff that I would try to remember after I checked out the blog. Interesting name…A Light In The Chaos. I knew chaos, it’s that moment when you THINK you have all your cups and plates piled up nicely and someone kicks your feet out from under you and everything in your life comes crashing down around you and some of it shatters and other parts just skitter away from you like beetles. Perhaps I would look into this blog a bit more.
Her blog wasn’t beautiful.. no, it’s sad too. Wait…
Does she know that this gesture, this offering of distraction wasn’t what I thought I wanted? Certainly she’s unaware of grief and loss of a best friend… but I was wrong. Reading her blog I was captivated by her loss, by her devotion to her beloved, and how she’s trying to make this life less horrible through her own blogging. Her blog is good.. I mean, it’s really good. She’s a writer… I’m a writer! She seems to get it.. you know, like she’s actually aware of how raw and ugly this world is feeling right now. I like her… and I want to know more. Damned, now this day is going to have to get better…. Thanks Val.
Beautiful Blogger Award NominationThe Rules for The Beautiful Blogger Award:
- Write a little something about the Beautiful Blogger who nominated you with the award. See above. And don’t forget to go and check her’s out too.
Share 7 things about me.
- I am really pissed off that I don’t seem to have any control over life and I am just expected to roll with the punches.
- I love my dogs, even though I am thankful that one of them can’t read and doesn’t know he isn’t my favorite because he would never stop barking just to annoy me more. Wynter knows.. I know she does. But she’s my girl and she’s not going to brag… much.
- I am happily married to an amazing man who seems to understand me, though I often throw him curve balls to give him a challenge.
- I wasn’t born a Jew, but I play one really well on most days.
- I hate to fly… HATE it. I don’t like the idea of being trapped in a metal cage and hurled through the air while I mentally take each bump and hard turn as the moment we are going to crash. Yet, I fly often.
- I seriously am freaked out by clowns. I am not even going to talk more about them because the word just gives me chills.
- I am a writer. And really I am a lot more than that, but I know without doubt that I am simply a writer.
Now I have to nominate 7 other bloggers for this and post it. ok ok.. I will be cheerful and do this.
My nominations are:
- Beautiful Blogger Award (tersiaburger.com)
- Beautiful Blogger Award! (staciegh.wordpress.com)
- Beautiful Blogger Award (stickynotesandquotes.wordpress.com)
- Blogger’s Awards (marvaseaton.wordpress.com)
- The Beautiful Blogger Award (euzicasa.wordpress.com)
- Beautiful Blogger Award & Liebster Award (catnipoflife.wordpress.com)
- I’ve Been Given the Beautiful Blogger Award! Wow (mikesfilmtalk.com)
- Sprinkled with Awards (munchow.wordpress.com)
- The Beautiful Blogger Award (thebowtiebutterfly.com)