Yeah yeah, I am going to really piss some people on Facebook off.

I love Facebook. I spend a great amount of my day scrolling down through the lives of my friends, family, classmates from 25 years ago that I have not had a real life conversation with in just as long, random celebrities, unusual people who like to post pictures of cats, and many many more. I am just like so much of the country, a FaceBook addict and I am not afraid to admit it! Sorta.. well.. it’s not that bad, I can stop at any time, but.. well, I have this condition and I neeeeed it!

However there are a few types of status updates that I personally hate and if you are guilty of those updates I implore you seek help and make it stop. No… I am not talking about the countless religious, political, or weather updates and Memes that you throw up daily. Those are just annoying, but I can live with it and scroll past them with little thought. But these are the status updates that make me want to vote you off the planet until you come to your senses.

1. If you post more than once a month how awesome you are at your job, how your boss just loves you and wants to make you his lappet and strokes your ego, or how you are so much smarter than any of the other idiots you work with and you are thankful you aren’t friends with them on Facebook ( Because if they knew half the shit you were talking about on a social media site your ass would be so freaking fired!)

Listen, nobody cares. If you have to tell people how Uber wonderful you are and what a rock star you are.. you are not. And in reality, your boss probably just feels sorry for you and wants to give you little side projects so you will stop annoying the hell out of the people who actually do their jobs without needing a gold star.

2. If you post more than once a month or week how awesome cute and silly your child/pet/ spouse/ car is.. you have to get out more. You have fallen into the awkward zombie brain that can’t think like a real human anymore. Yeah yeah, your kid is cute and we know how proud you are that little Bobby hasn’t taken a chunk out of the teacher in 34 days. But for the love of Zod, please keep it to yourself! Or take up a Fan Club page and those people who want to subscribe to your endless updates of how many poops your baby has had, who had to take little Jimmy Sue to the pediatrician for yet another check-up and what a good girl she was, and the all-time favorite list of foods baby will and will not eat today.

I love babies. I like kids. I can even tolerate some tweens and teens! I don’t mind the occasional updates about your life and what’s going on with your family. I love when you share a few of your family photos and make us laugh with adorable cheerios on the face. I actually really like the photos of your Baby Wonderful from month to month in front of those cute little signs or with the family pet. And those photos actually have a place where you can share details, this would be a good place to post photos and tell a little story about what’s going on in baby’s day.

And I am sure I am going to get some ugly snarls from some of you who say “ If you don’t want to hear about how amazing my baby is, then maybe you should unfriend me and then you won’t have to read about my super fabulous wonderkid.” And if really it was as simple as that.. trust me, I would have done it already. But the truth is that if you are still on my Facebook after months if not years of your endless updates it is because I actually respect your friendship and I don’t want to piss you off.. you don’t get a lot of sleep and you might just go off the deep end.

3. Here’s my last status update pet peeve… people who share their personal drama over Facebook and put things out there just to get attention. Yes, I understand that finding your wife “doing Laundry” with her Ex-lover might be a little upsetting and you really want to make her feel like crap so you are going to tell everyone how miserable you are and what a horrible cook she is might make you feel like you are getting your piece of revenge. And I also get that when you get caught playing “Find my latest piercing” you feel like you have to explain that this is just who you are and if people don’t like it that there must be something wrong with them because if they look at all of the people who are cheering for you in your Facebook world they would see just how awesome you are.

But I don’t care! Look, I don’t want to be a jerk, I just don’t want to read about your drama. And since we are friends, according to Facebook, I will call you or invite you over and we can talk about what’s going on. Hell, I am a chick.. I’ll sit there and vent right along with you! You can tell me about what a terrible golfer he was and I can nod and tell you about that jerkface who keeps posting his awards and superior titles just to annoy me. I might even buy you a drink if the situation calls for it. Please just keep it off Facebook!

So there you have it, my top 3 things that I hate when people post on Facebook. So friends, keep up the silly cats dressed like Yoda, the ramblings of your favorite TV shows, and even the family vacation photos. You are awesome and I love being able to be a voyeur in your life through my digital window.

Now, it’s your turn.. what do you hate that people post on Facebook?